How to love an African Man (Satire)
Forget this whole nonsense of red flowers, red clothes and underwear, a red hat and handbag, Valentine cards and walking hand in hand in the streetlights of Nairobi. Do you love an African man? Then stop gazing at him directly. Look away, when he talks to you, preferably at the floor. That is the first sign of African love. True love, the African way demands deep sacrifices that go beyond artificial show, like wearing red high heels or leggings.
Ladies, if you truly love your husband, then this is the time to get him a second wife. Allow him not just to marry but get out of your way and give him your sister or cousin or best girlfriend. Jealousy shows a selfishness and lack of true love for your partner. A generous woman holds the family together and shares her man’s love with other women.
Deeper African love involves allowing your husband to bring home a girlfriend. Show him total love by warming some bathing water for his “guest”, preparing for them a delicious meal and allowing them to use your bedroom for the night as you sleep in the kitchen.
A woman, who truly loves her man, must bear him as many children as possible. 11 to 13 children will do. A woman who has less than five children is uncaring and denies the man the ability to continue his lineage. She has no iota of love in her.
According to psychologists, red in Africa is generally associated with mourning and death. So for heaven’s sake, avoid wearing red clothes by all means. It portrays you as a witch thirsting for blood. It only shows how much you hate your man and how you wish him early death so you can inherit his property. Red is the bearer of bad news and may cause death in the family, a road accident or block your man’s promotion.
If you have never been beaten by your husband, all we can say is; be warned as this is a clear sign that he does not love you at all. You should indeed do the rightful thing expected from a loving wife; scream, beg him to stop, and of course thank him for beating you by warming his bath water and making him a nice hot ugali or sour porridge.
In the old traditional days women who had been beaten and their arms broken were forced to return to their husbands on the same day with gifts for their husbands. That was true love anchored on forgiveness. There were no grudges, hardly any divorce. Wife beating in certain communities in Kenya remains a cultural love practice that is still highly valued and revered for its romantic nature.
Several women favour beating by their husbands as an act of love.
Mary Agatha 55, a Primary School teacher is a married mother with four children. Agatha’s sentiments are rather strong on the fact that a woman must be beaten up as a proof of love. She concurs with the local culture that encourages wife beating. “How can my husband prove that he loves me if he does not beat me? A woman who has never been beaten by her husband is wasting her time. She will never really know what true love means. It is also really nice to be beaten because my husband always buys me gifts after beating me. I sometimes provoke him to beat me up so that I can have my gifts! Some women are so stupid that they do not even allow their husbands to slap them,” says Agatha. “When will they ever get loved?” She pauses.
Dowry, the true sign of love
When a man loves a woman, he pays her parents dowry. The more he loves her, the more cows he takes to her parents’ home. The fewer and thinner the cows, the less dosage of love the man has for his wife. But at times a woman may love a poor man. To demonstrate her love for him, love may force her to elope with her darling in the heart of the night or on her way to the river. That is true love.
A young man may also kidnap the love of his life when he has no dowry. This make’s the girl’s parents very happy since their daughter has found true love.
Make your husband a big ugali that he cannot finish. As everyone knows, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Avoid snacks like rice and green grams as such meals put an African man off. Even if you make him some rice, make an even bigger plate of ugali and serve him. Make sure you serve him a huge bowl of sweet potatoes and a full flask of tea after his main meal.
Ask no questions
Shouting at your husband in front of his friends is typical of a woman who is not in love. True African love means asking no questions and smiling even when things are wrong. Even where you are more intelligent than your lover, act like you do not know anything. Being a fool to give your husband greater glory is love beyond measure.
When you truly love your man, you cannot deny him his conjugal rights no matter how many times he asks. True love has no calendar or time.
Going out for a dance or an evening out is definitely out of the question. As a woman you are supposed to show your love by staying at home and cooking for the children. Never ask your man where he has come from, no matter how many days he has been away, or whatever time of the night he knocks on the door. What love is that to let other men hold you on the dance floor, tightly, tightly! Going out in a women’s group popularly known as girls’ night out or “ladies night” is total nonsense. It is only women who hate their men and want to take over households who meet in public pubs to gossip and finish their men.
African men do not appreciate miniskirts unless worn by Koinange Street Women. Wear a decent dress or a long skirt far below the elbow.
When you love a man, do not walk with him side by side. Show your love by walking behind him.
Love your husband’s mother with all your heart and your entire mind and all your soul. How can you love a man, without first loving his mother?
If you love your man at all, avoid high heels especially the red ones. No man wants his wife to look like a horse. It is not only embarrassing but disgraceful. Allow your man to go out for his beer or traditional Busaa or Chang’aa with his friends or to go watch football at the local shopping centre and wait for him at home with a jug of brown sour millet porridge.
When your husband is a night runner, learn the game very fast so that you show solidarity with him. Total commitment and loyalty means going out for those nightly rides on the back of hippopotamuses and leopards. True love means you do not talk about the nocturnal activities or else the love will grow cold.
Do not visit your partner at his place of work or call him during office hours. True love means if you did not ask in the morning, then wait until he comes home. Tell him how tired he is after working so hard, massage his feet, feed him and only when his tummy is extended from overeating can you make your demands.
So are you ready to love an African man? Get set. Replace candle lit dinners with warm firewood, don’t play new music from a cassette; instead sing or chant his praises. Sing to him about his sexual prowess and how great a hunter he once was. Sing praises for his wisdom and knowledge and for his seductive mastery in adding more wives to the home. Burn those red clothes and other red items that make you look like a desperate witch. The demands are high before you enjoy the true love of an African man.
Copyright Omwa Ombara 2012.
If you have never done anything silly for love, then tonight at midnight is the right time to do it. Love is a silly thing so do not even feel shy or apologetic about it. The moment you try to be reasonable about love, it just fly out of the window. So a fully dressed man will ask a woman to strip naked and dance for him as he sits lazily on the couch and watches and she will do it. That is just how silly love happens to be.
Women do silly things for love. A woman loves and marries a stranger and entrusts him with her life without even digging a bit of his background. A woman, on her way home from the market will meet a stranger at the bus-stop and the moment the silly word “love” comes up, she will jump into the bus with him to his house and become his wife. Once she loves, she does not care whether this is a murderer who could strangle her or a criminal who has escaped from prison and is on the trail of police.
Women leave their high flying careers to stay at home because love demands that a married woman should not work. “If you really love me, stay at home and be my housewife. Wash my clothes, iron my shirts, make my meals, spread my bed, brush my teeth, flash my toilet, bear my children,” says a loving, doting husband. And so today some women will be handing in resignation letters in many offices to follow their lovers to the ends of the earth. “Why are you resigning, without giving a notice? You seemed to be doing rather well?” The Boss will ask, perplexed. “Oh, you see, I love my husband very much and I want to keep our marriage together.” But then again, let’s just say it is love.
“If you love me you must love my mother,” a loving man demands of a woman he loves. A silly thing to do but forgivable after all for the sake of this adorable thing called love. So a woman spends all her life loving her mother-in-law instead of her husband. Hey, don’t complain no matter how nasty she is to you. It is the true test of love.
One of the silly things that women do for love is to change their lifestyle to please the man they love. When a man says he loves something, she says she loves it too. When her man says he hates something, he says he hates it too. This ranges from food, dressing and entertainment. Women bleach their skins with mercury, they go for slim-possible classes, they swallow slimming pills and ageless pills, they undergo breast uplifts just to look a bit younger and nicer and silly enough to be loved. Many women have heavy debts in salons as they go out of their way and budgets to appear attractive to their men.
A woman will forgive her lecherous man for the umpteenth time for adultery. “Forgive my debauchery. It is not my fault. I told her you are my wife but she kept coming on to me. You are the one I love. The others are just sparewheels.”
Women go out of their way to travel round the world visiting medicinemen. They put certain herbs in their own urine and mix it with the man’s meals to keep the man’s love, all to themselves. Some insert the herbs in their private parts to control their men through a love spell as advised by their witchdoctors. Many men do not know that inside the pillows they lay their heads on are some of the most powerful love potions from a witchdoctor’s cabinet. Oh, the silly things women do for love.
Some women receive their salaries and give their men all their money, while some share joint accounts to give their man the authority to love and control them. She who hides financial secrets from her man does not understand this silly thing called love.
“Now it is time to get off those short skirts and the weave. If you truly love me wear long skirts and keep your hair short.” Women fight over men and tear at each other’s clothes and bite each other’s breast and necks…it may be silly to you but such is the stuff true love is made of. It is indeed normal for a woman to commit suicide in the world of love when it becomes unbearable to live without the man you love.
A woman in love is an uncontrollable gossp. She tells her man everything about herself. She gossips about her family, her envious brothers and sisters, she tells her man all her mother and father’s weaknesses…making him hate her family so much, all in the name of love. Later, the man uses this information against her, to mistreat and abuse her…it is this silly thing called love.
Women lose their best female friends in relationships they have cultivated over the years just becuse their lovers do not like their friends. They become absolutely lonely, spending the rest of their lives with one man they love. It only becomes silly when the lover throws them out and there they go looking up for their old female friends again.
Women often lie about their ages to their lovers because this silly animal called love only recognises the young. Love is so silly that when you tell a man you are over 40, he simply disappears from your life. So women who are 40 pretend they are 19 and wear silly baby clothes that make them look younger, all in the name of love. Women hide their identity cards from their lovers to keep their ages a deep secret.
And if you have not done anything silly yet in the name of love, then you are yet to fall in love. It simply means this silly thing called love, so sweet, so irrational yet so useless has not gotten into you.