Creative Writing

Who Spoilt the Wedding

Someone spoilt the wedding and whoever did so must pay for it. Weddings are costly. They are engaging both financially and emotionally and so whoever spoilt it must own up and take responsibility. At first, I thought it was Kitty-links the cat who licked up all the cream on the icing and left the wedding cake completely bare, then sat on it dropping all the pillars and bringing down the cake in one heap?

But the neighbour just confirmed rather crossly that Kitty-links was at her house that afternoon and stole all the Weetabix and milk from her kitchen. “It is a thievey cat, but I must not accuse it falsely.” But nobody was ready to talk about the cat when such an important blunder had happened.

Could it have been the tailor who made the bride’s gown so ugly that it turned out like a sack ready for packing a heap of potatoes? Did she spoil the wedding by making the bride cry?

Or was it Doggy-tags the dog who ran off with the veil in the rain and chewed it playfully in the mad as everyone watched in horror at this unpleasant game?

Oh, someone spoilt the wedding and no one seems to own up. Could it be Nanjala the homebreaker, who slept with the groom the night before the wedding and claimed she was already one night pregnant with the groom’s child? Who spoilt the wedding?

Someone suggests it was cousin Wakiri the knock-kneed joker who kept farting next to the bride’s mother and made jokes about her short skirt, calling her “Baby-mum-in-law”. But everyone agrees that a joke by Wakiri the joker would not have spoilt the wedding.

Someone spoilt the wedding. The guests all wore their Sunday best and carried well selected and expensive wedding gifts only to learn at the Church that the bride was not coming. Not coming? What do you mean the bride is not coming? Nobody could trace the priest.

Who spoilt the wedding? Was it the priest who eloped with the bride on the back of a scooter, leaving his albs on the floor of the vestry? Was it the bride’s jealous sister who told the groom that the bride was once a bar maid and already had two children secretly hidden and tucked away at her grandmother’s house?

I do not know who spoilt the wedding but something went wrong that day and so the wedding did not take place. And now someone has to foot the bills and neither bride nor groom can be traced. They say the chair person of the wedding committee must be held accountable. So I have to pay for the cake, the tailor, the decorations, the Church, the reception hall, the choir that never even sang, the bridal car and the honeymoon hotel down at the Coast. Members of the wedding committee cannot be traced and here I am stuck with problems of a wedding that was not mine. Now I am going to jail because I cannot afford to pay. Who spoilt the weddings my friends. Was it you?