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How to love an African Man

How to love an African Man (Satire)

Forget this whole nonsense of red flowers, red clothes and underwear, a red hat and handbag, Valentine cards and walking hand in hand in the streetlights of Nairobi. Do you love an African man? Then stop gazing at him directly. Look away, when he talks to you, preferably at the floor. That is the first sign of African love. True love, the African way demands deep sacrifices that go beyond artificial show, like wearing red high heels or leggings.

Ladies, if you truly love your husband, then this is the time to get him a second wife. Allow him not just to marry but get out of your way and give him your sister or cousin or best girlfriend. Jealousy shows a selfishness and lack of true love for your partner. A generous woman holds the family together and shares her man’s love with other women.

Deeper African love involves allowing your husband to bring home a girlfriend. Show him total love by warming some bathing water for his “guest”, preparing for them a delicious meal and allowing them to use your bedroom for the night as you sleep in the kitchen.

A woman, who truly loves her man, must bear him as many children as possible. 11 to 13 children will do. A woman who has less than five children is uncaring and denies the man the ability to continue his lineage. She has no iota of love in her.

According to psychologists, red in Africa is generally associated with mourning and death. So for heaven’s sake, avoid wearing red clothes by all means. It portrays you as a witch thirsting for blood. It only shows how much you hate your man and how you wish him early death so you can inherit his property. Red is the bearer of bad news and may cause death in the family, a road accident or block your man’s promotion.

Wife Beating

If you have never been beaten by your husband, all we can say is; be warned as this is a clear sign that he does not love you at all. You should indeed do the rightful thing expected from a loving wife; scream, beg him to stop, and of course thank him for beating you by warming his bath water and making him a nice hot ugali or sour porridge.

In the old traditional days women who had been beaten and their arms broken were forced to return to their husbands on the same day with gifts for their husbands. That was true love anchored on forgiveness. There were no grudges, hardly any divorce. Wife beating in certain communities in Kenya remains a cultural love practice that is still highly valued and revered for its romantic nature.

Several women favour beating by their husbands as an act of love.

Mary Agatha 55, a Primary School teacher is a married mother with four children. Agatha’s sentiments are rather strong on the fact that a woman must be beaten up as a proof of love. She concurs with the local culture that encourages wife beating. “How can my husband prove that he loves me if he does not beat me?  A woman who has never been beaten by her husband is wasting her time. She will never really know what true love means. It is also really nice to be beaten because my husband always buys me gifts after beating me. I sometimes provoke him to beat me up so that I can have my gifts! Some women are so stupid that they do not even allow their husbands to slap them,” says Agatha. “When will they ever get loved?” She pauses.

Dowry, the true sign of love

When a man loves a woman, he pays her parents dowry. The more he loves her, the more cows he takes to her parents’ home. The fewer and thinner the cows, the less dosage of love the man has for his wife. But at times a woman may love a poor man. To demonstrate her love for him, love may force her to elope with her darling in the heart of the night or on her way to the river. That is true love.

A young man may also kidnap the love of his life when he has no dowry. This make’s the girl’s parents very happy since their daughter has found true love.

Make your husband a big ugali that he cannot finish. As everyone knows, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Avoid snacks like rice and green grams as such meals put an African man off. Even if you make him some rice, make an even bigger plate of ugali and serve him. Make sure you serve him a huge bowl of sweet potatoes and a full flask of tea after his main meal.

Ask no questions

Shouting at your husband in front of his friends is typical of a woman who is not in love. True African love means asking no questions and smiling even when things are wrong. Even where you are more intelligent than your lover, act like you do not know anything. Being a fool to give your husband greater glory is love beyond measure.

When you truly love your man, you cannot deny him his conjugal rights no matter how many times he asks. True love has no calendar or time.

Going out for a dance or an evening out is definitely out of the question. As a woman you are supposed to show your love by staying at home and cooking for the children. Never ask your man where he has come from, no matter how many days he has been away, or whatever time of the night he knocks on the door. What love is that to let other men hold you on the dance floor, tightly, tightly! Going out in a women’s group popularly known as girls’ night out or “ladies night” is total nonsense. It is only women who hate their men and want to take over households who meet in public pubs to gossip and finish their men.

African men do not appreciate miniskirts unless worn by Koinange Street Women. Wear a decent dress or a long skirt far below the elbow.

When you love a man, do not walk with him side by side. Show your love by walking behind him.

Love your husband’s mother with all your heart and your entire mind and all your soul. How can you love a man, without first loving his mother?

If you love your man at all, avoid high heels especially the red ones. No man wants his wife to look like a horse. It is not only embarrassing but disgraceful. Allow your man to go out for his beer or traditional Busaa or Chang’aa with his friends or to go watch football at the local shopping centre and wait for him at home with a jug of brown sour millet porridge.

Night Runner

When your husband is a night runner, learn the game very fast so that you show solidarity with him. Total commitment and loyalty means going out for those nightly rides on the back of hippopotamuses and leopards. True love means you do not talk about the nocturnal activities or else the love will grow cold.

Do not visit your partner at his place of work or call him during office hours. True love means if you did not ask in the morning, then wait until he comes home. Tell him how tired he is after working so hard, massage his feet, feed him and only when his tummy is extended from overeating can you make your demands.

So are you ready to love an African man? Get set. Replace candle lit dinners with warm firewood, don’t play new music from a cassette; instead sing  or chant his praises. Sing to him about his sexual prowess and how great a hunter he once was. Sing praises for his wisdom and knowledge and for his seductive mastery in adding more wives to the home. Burn those red clothes and other red items that make you look like a desperate witch. The demands are high before you enjoy the true love of an African man.

 

Copyright Omwa Ombara 2012.

 

 

 

 

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25 responses

  1. Linda

    hehe funny read but good. We need to go back to our roots or is it traditions, when real love was shown by beating lol and FIDA never existed. You did not have to wear make-up to look beautiful or high heels to have longer sexy legs hahaha

    April 30, 2012 at 8:41 am

    • He he Linda D. Is it wife beating or gender violence? Thanks for reading.

      April 30, 2012 at 10:31 am

  2. shianwrites

    Whatever belief system we are born into, is usually normal. Somehow I believe even if I was born there, my soul would feel caged… Thanks for sharing, it’s all pretty interesting.

    April 30, 2012 at 10:30 am

    • Hi shianwrites. I see a lot of abuse in the name of Love. That’s why it is a satire. Thanks for stopping by.

      April 30, 2012 at 10:34 am

  3. Very powerful! Excellent satire.

    April 30, 2012 at 11:16 am

    • Fork in My Eye. Thanks for the kind words.

      April 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

  4. Haha,really well-written.Had me smiling all morning.I HAVE heard some women say beating is an expression of love,but I just cannot find sense in that,try as I may.I especially loved the part about allowing them to use the bedroom while you sleep in the kitchen :)Thanks for putting this up.Perhaps this satirical piece will cause African women to re-examine these practices and see just how funny they seem to an analytical mind.

    April 30, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    • Hallooooo Cyrille. You got my point straight on. It is indeed time to re-examine some of these practices and discard them completely. Is beating an expression of love? I do not believe so. Sharing a bed and a man? Not for me. Our mothers went through this silently but we don’t have to. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts.

      April 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

  5. sleeping in the kitchen enables you to make breakfast early… on the other hand…disturbing your husband early might not be appreciated as much as you would like them to vacate the premises.

    April 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    • Hi Thor! Ha ha ha. Make breakfast for who? Get serious!

      April 30, 2012 at 2:16 pm

      • part of the satire, episode two…the morning after

        April 30, 2012 at 7:39 pm

      • Ha ha ha. Thor. Thanks for stopping by. The morning after?

        April 30, 2012 at 7:44 pm

      • yes the morning after…. if your husband comes home with a lady, and you give hipm the bedroom; and sleep in the kitchen, surely you must expect them to be very hungry in the morning

        April 30, 2012 at 8:06 pm

  6. Pingback: How to love an African Man | bonfacenyangla | bonfacenyangla

    • Thanks for reading this, Bonface Nyangla. Much appreciation.

      April 30, 2012 at 6:47 pm

  7. Forget hollywood, this is the real thing, lolest! .

    April 30, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    • Hi Maggie. Lol.Thanks for the high sense of humour.

      April 30, 2012 at 7:22 pm

  8. Roda

    Very interesting.

    May 1, 2012 at 8:53 am

  9. Joy Nzaywa

    Hillarious…………bye bye to the red outfits lol

    May 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    • Ha ha ha Joy. Do not burn the red outfits. Lol. Thanksfor reading.

      May 1, 2012 at 4:47 pm

  10. mary

    This is utterly being narrow minded, no offense to anybody, I think man who beats women are no man, showing his love is to beat her, the person who came up with this is very, very stupid. Allowing him to bring a girlfriend home to sleep in ur bed.

    July 6, 2013 at 4:35 pm

  11. Yvonne Khumalo

    LoL this is really gud, and it points out just how much abuse our mothers and granmothers went through thinking its “love”… And if any of the ladies here are willing to burn theire red heels BRING them to me I will burn them for u *winks*

    Thanks for the great article. 🙂

    December 26, 2013 at 6:53 pm

  12. Mon

    Hahaha….Mary, it’s called satire for a reason.

    January 14, 2014 at 2:18 pm

  13. Although this is a satire, this is a good read for all women. When a man goes out repeatedly, and neglects to say where’s he’s been, like he agent Double 07 ignored it. Asking 20 questions mades him feel powerful. Pretend that he never left the home and continue with your day.

    January 18, 2014 at 10:39 pm

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