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Being broke makes me sick

I have discovered what makes me sick. It is not the normal sickness am talking about. It is not the sickness that hospital doctors diagnose. It is the sickness of being sick when things go wrong, when life turns upside down and your brain scatters in all directions.
When I have no money, I start feeling sick. It starts with a headache and then a stomach ache but strange enough I never feel the pain in these parts of my body but right inside my heart. I cannot describe the feeling but it is a bad feeling and I know it as a kind of sickness that does not need a visit to the doctor.
When I get home and find Kenya Power have disconnected my lights I feel so so sick. Even though the red flicking light and the minimum minutes had already read zero before I left for home, it still does not fail to make me sick. Just the fact that I am in total darkness and the smell of spoilt milk and sausages brings a dull pain in my heart and that is when sick happens.

I do get sick when the salary delays and the teller at the Bank has a sly smile on his face. With the bills unpaid and my plans upset, I do feel weak and wobbly on my knees, weakly sick.

When the Boss fires me without a notice or any remunerations and the landlord is about to throw me out of the house and I lose my appetite even though I have no food to eat, friends that is when I get truly sick. When I attend a job interview and get a letter of regret or sometimes no letter at all and no regrets, I often feel sad and dejected and I do feel sick and tired. Just sick and tired just waiting and hoping for that letter or that phone call that never comes.

Sometimes it is the iron box that has blown up when I am preparing for a date or an important meeting. Or I burn my dress minutes before that special occasion. Or I misplace the key to my main door and miss the staff bus and a staff retreat and I have to create stories on why I missed the bus…I get very sick my friends.

When I fail to attend a friend’s wedding or funeral and they cannot understand why and they hold grudges against me for years, while some delete me from their friendship list, I may pretend that I do not care but deep inside I feel sick. Oh how I feel lousy and disappointed when my relationship ends and suddenly I realise that love can come to an end. When I lose my close family and friends to death and I remain so lonely and so sick.

This sickness of mine comes when someone I lean on turns their back on me and walk away without stopping to look back, especially when I need them, especially when I am down. Oh, I feel so sickly sick!

To be sick because of life’s burdens is not a easy thing my friends, but sometimes it happens and you may just find yourself sick without trying. Yet all will finally come to a happy end when all is well. It shall be well, my friends. It shall be well.


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