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Foolishly in love, till death us do part

I don’t know why my heart started registering second thoughts. I guess I had tried to look for signs of seriousness, of commitment to the friendship but I just was not sure.
True, he had visited me thrice and kissed me thrice. We had also spent lots of hours on the phone at his expense. Perhaps I was just impatient. Perhaps that was his act of commitment.

What did I want? It was true that the guy was busy and hardly had enough time for socialising. What did I want? I guess I had expected to be taken to be taken out dancing or just for a nice candle-lit dinner. At least for a start.

To be fair to the guy, he had responded immediately. I told him I was ill and he brought me medicine late in the night. I asked to pay the bill but he declined, simply asking for a kiss. I think his way of loving was so different from mine.

He told me that he had long stopped home visits and that the real reason was just to come and see me!

On the second visit he had allowed me to slip into his arms and it was really nice. He kissed well and every time he did, I would melt and get confused! “What kind of friendship do you want?” I dared him one of the evenings. He tried to think about it, then I retracted the question.

“I think it is better if we allowed nature to take its course!” I volunteered and he sighed in relief. The kiss was deep and I felt myself breathless and losing control.

“I have my periods,” I burst out. “Oh you are lucky then. You would have not escaped tonight,” he burst out. “Are you sure you are ready for that?” I taunted. He smiled but did not say anything. Then I knew! I knew we were both ready.

He had seduced me slowly, skillfully. I had asked him if he knew my condition and he said it was okay with him. “It’s like if you had Diabetes or High Blood Pressure or Cancer. It would be okay.” He said.

We kissed and hugged tightly and I saw him off to the gate. He called later at night and we talked for almost an hour. “I looked at you today and I just realised how beautiful you are!” He said.”Thanks,” I said and felt good.

Earlier on, I had called him to say how depressed I was and he came and gave me quite some serious counselling. I was angry and I wanted to move out. I sent him a message telling him I really wanted to see him before I left! He came immediately. I told him how angry I was that I had to stay with family and how I needed my own space and independence. “No, he said.  Life is about making sacrifices. It is not about pleasing oneself. Calm down and look at the brighter side of life,” he said as he gently stroked my face.

I calmed down and decided to look at the positive side of life, once more. Later, we talked at night and we shared quite a bit. He inquired on my spiritual life and I was a bit nervous. “Are you trying to convert me?” I asked. “No! But I would like you to take your spiritual life seriously.”

“How do I do that?” “I want you to start going to Church!” “Okay!” Did I really want to go to Church? I was not sure! “You used to be saved!” He told me. “No!” I denied vehemently. “It must have been someone else!” No! It was you!” He said. “I know you a lot more than you can imagine!” “Okay!” I confessed meekly. He laughed and his laughter made my heart miss a beat.

When he hinted at sex, sudden thoughts crossed my mind. The day before I went for the review, I had had sinful thoughts. He was examining me on the examination bed, he caressed my breasts and my whole body slowly. Instead of placing the stethoscope on my chest, he slowly moved his hands all over my body and gently caressed me. I went wild with longing.

He called the nurse, sent her for a soda at the canteen. By the time the nurse got back, he was sitting comfortably on his desk prescribing some medicine. He held me tightly on the waist as I left and I felt good – really good. “I would like to see more of you,” he whispered as I left.

It was 10 pm and I did not expect any guests. When his phone rang, I started up! “Hi sleepy head,” he teased. “I am not asleep,” I said. Can I come over? “Sure!” I responded getting excited.” I got up and hugged him when he showed up at the door. We moved to the room and I hugged him again, tightly. His smile, as usual, was terrific. I wanted to hold him forever and ever, but I sobered up. I had to let go.

We chatted and laughed happily for almost an hour. At times we would interrupt our conversation and kiss. It was so natural, so nice. “Don’t you fear? Aren’t you afraid that I could…?” “Infect you?” He finished as if he had read my thoughts, “Yes!” I echoed, always shy yet brave enough to broach the subject of my health.

He lifted from the sofa and kissed me deeply. It was long and sweet. It felt so right. I hugged him tightly and felt his manhood stir. That night I would have surrendered but I didn’t.

“Why didn’t you come to Church?” He asked, changing the subject. I did not answer. He threw back his head and laughed. “So are you holding a grudge against God?” “Not really.” I said, rather defensively. “I think you need to set matters straight. When you hold a grudge against somebody and you sort it out, you tend to feel better!” He advised. “Okay!” I indulged. “I will think about it!”

Last night we made a covenant. We both agreed that I would be answerable to him. “You are my wife, you know!” He declared. “I know,” I responded. “You must not make any decisions without telling me. You must not return to the city.” He ordered. “But I want to. I have only a few days to live. The hospital in the city is much better and I would die in a small clean room with lovely soft soothing music in the background!” I pleaded. “You are not going anywhere,” he said firmly. Somehow, I felt that my fate was sealed. Who was this man, I asked myself, that I cannot resist anything he says? Could he have been an angel sent by God to prepare me for my death?

It has been a sad two days for me. Just when I thought that everything was going so well, my love just went quiet. His absence has however given me time to reflect. I think I had made myself too available and the guy has gotten bored. How could I be so foolish, sending endless love messages to him on my mobile phone without getting any response? I have to change the strategy  or simply walk out on him.

We had not discussed any wedding arrangements, no marriage certificate. It was a covenant and the marriage had taken place in our hearts…a wedding of two hearts, madly and foolishly in love. And now as I wait to die, two years have passed and I keep asking myself  – have I been building castles in the air? All that talk about going to Church and the Covenant, was my lover preparing me for death? Is it another romance that suddenly went cold.

I really don’t care that he left. He stamped a mark in my heart. A mark of two people, madly in love. Now my heart is married to his heart and I hang on to life or death. Happy, so happy and prepared for whatever may come.

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